strike that. i think too much. i over-analyse and nitpick at concepts in my head and let the negative voice win out in the end. usually i'm pretty good at stopping myself and shrugging off the negativity, but sometimes it plants that seed and i can't shake it off.
one theory all this thinking has come up with is what drives me. ande2713 told me that i was just looking for acceptance. i think it goes further than that. i think i'm searching for family. you know, that sense of belonging and permanence. i think i've found it in a few close friends of mine.
i really like the feeling of camaraderie that i get from my group activities. from milkbar_band, from RollerGirls... i get this sense of ... belonging and place. for a long time i thought i had that with work. but then as i grew older, wiser, and work grew more ... corporate... i realized that i was wrong to believe that a company could be family... especially one that was a fortune 25 company.
it comes to me as no surprise that my sense of family is warped. i grew up in suburban chicago - where the mafia sense of family was strong. and that family was not just a blood family.
alright. its time to get my mind settled down. i have to go to bed early and get ready for my 1st day at the new job!