herd. culling.

i've got to cull the various social herds i keep. too many entries to go through. not here mind you, this is a fuckin' ghost town.

i know i wont tho. i'm too lazy

the words and the music. but the words tonight.

Hey honey what you trying to say
As I stand here
Don't you walk away
And the world comes tumbling down
Hand in hand in a violent life
Making love on the edge of a knife
And the world comes tumbling down
And it's hard
For me to say
And it's hard
For me to stay
I'm going down
To be by myself
I'm going back
For the good of my health
And there's one thing
I couldn't do
Sacrifice myself to you
Baby baby I just can't see
Just what you mean to me
I take my aim and I fake my words
I'm just your long time curse
And if you walk away
I can't take it
But that's the way that you are
And that's the things that you say
But now you've gone too far
With all the things you say
Get back to where you come from
I can't help it
Under the April skies
Under the April sun
Sun grows cold
Sky gets black
And you broke me up
And now you won't come back
Shaking hand, life is dead
And a broken heart
And a screaming head
Under the April sky

April Skies - Jesus and Mary Chain


you shine and shimmer when i look at you.
your smile is electricity and i eat it up.
but recently you're as elusive as the element named for the winged god.
when i try and pick you up, its as if the drops shimmer and run between my fingers.
i just watch patiently as you reform and shine forth again.
soon you'll stop moving so much that we can be together again
  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted

2010 in the rearview

its hard to look back objectively on last year. for one, the recent events are more fresh in the mind's memory.
for me:
• 2010 started out with an awesome diving vacation w good friends and my parents. most fun.
• 2010 i met some great people. some of whom i love hanging out with
• 2010 was an interesting year. on one hand, i got promoted into the job i have been trying to get for 2 years, on the other, i went back to full time work, after almost 4 years.
• 2010 also found me opening up doors that i had kept closed for a long time. i started to hang out with this girl. that ended in the spring because i was an idiot. i got a second chance in the late summer, and made the most of it. made some stupid mistakes, but i did let some doors open up in my heart. things got real and it was nice. recently things have gotten complicated, as things do, and right now its safe to say that things are not where they were when they were at the best. where will it end up? 3 letters sums up that one. idk. i will say this: wouldn't give it up for anything.
• 2010 was also a difficult year for me at home. i had a roommate situation that i had grown to hate.
• 2010 i got to know some people much better. and i love it. great times.
• 2010 was the year i found a light to shine onto the darkness.
• 2010 was the year i lost that same light.
• 2010 was the year i realized i wanted to pursue my photography hobby more than just occasionally
• 2010 was the year my band milkbar finally released a cd, played the 7th st entry, got into iTunes and broke up.
• 2010 was the year i finally got rid of the roommate who was a really bad idea.
• 2010 was the year i made my own soda.
• 2010 is over.
• 2010 was a really good year.
• 2010 was a really bad year.

i wanted to end this with a quote of something i said in the last few weeks... something that was incredibly dark and emo. but honestly i'm trying to avoid that now. common sense in the form of an editor friend suggested it was too much. so i took it away. other events have lead me to instead write this little paragraph. 2010 was an incredible year for me. while i am currently experiencing some angst and soul searching from some of the down sides, i had some of the most incredibly enriching times and feelings this year and all of it is a package. i would do it all again, even knowing the pain and dark times that i would have to endure again.

on to the new adventures of 2011.

elevator up, elevator down.

feeling like life is managable now.
had a random few days here and there, but i'm coping.
i love this girl and she loves me. thats all i should think about.
she wants to spend time with me and i want to spend time with her.
right now we've got our own issues to overcome.

sometimes i feel sad and i dont know where things are going. we're in this holding space while we figure things out. in the meantime we have this undefined serious relationship that is best described as "seeing each other" on the way towards "dating"... when i'm in a badish mood i think of it as limbo. most of the time, i feel its just an extended "seeing each other" aka the zone before "dating" lol.

meantime there are good nights and bad nights. the bad ones usually come after i'm feeling low and insecurity levels are up. luckily the girl is amazing and i have a great support structure of friends and professionals.

otherwise life is pretty damn cool. although the full time work thing is grating on me lately. i've become quite aware that i don't have time to shoot photos or to make music. between a full time job and derby i'm just... without the time. sadface. i'm flirting with the idea of changing that... we'll see.


i hate when i get into a black mood
it spirals down and feeds itself and makes it grow.
insecurity breeding nightmares breeding more depression breeding insecurity.
things are going well. but not where i want them to be. hence the above.
patience and a calm demeanor. those words of advice still ring true.
given where i am learning how to be in a relationship and
where i was in career when i heard those words
it makes sense.
deep breaths
more sleep.

how do you do?

you're a bright light that shines
burns the darkness away
i've travelled a million miles just to find you
you make the grey skies seem blue
a shining star with a fluttering pulse
bringing life out of misery to me
everyone will say who is she

fools gold

i'm the fool.

_____ is the gold.

there is a playbook somewhere that i didn't get and i'm fucking up all over the place.

sad, embarrassed, humbled, frustrated, confused. thats where i'm at.

and... i realized tonight that my hypertension is back. or more likely, never left.

i'm not sure what i wanna do about it

i think that sentence says a lot about all things in my life